Meltdowns

This week we're visiting friends in another state. Last night we all wanted to go see the local minor league baseball team play a game. We all got ourselves and our stuff together and caravanned to the game. When we were getting out of the cars in the parking garage, the car alarm went off on a car one row over. It was VERY loud. VERY. My friends know Jman well, and his sensitivity to sounds, and asked if he was okay. He seemed to be fine. He was still sitting in the truck putting his shoes on. Finally the car alarm stopped sounding, though the lights continued to flash. We finished gathering our blankets, Jman got his shoes on, and we started over to the elevator to head down out of the garage.

It was then that Jman began freaking out. It's quite a sight seeing a 10yo boy that weighs 100+ pounds freaking out. He was flailing and thrashing and crying and angry and seemed to be having some serious issues with his sandals. We did get him on the elevator, and then headed away from the garage to the stadium, but he was still very upset. I have some of the best friends in the world because I don't get from them "Why can't you make him behave? What's his problem?! Why did we bring HIM?" I'm sure I was getting such looks from others around us (and there were plenty of people around too!), but my friends know and love Jman, and they just waited for Him and for me. I wasn't sure we were going to identify and solve his delimma and whether we'd actually make it to the game. He was REALLY upset.

What do you do with a kid that's freaking out? Melting down? Having an absolute hissey fit over who knows what?

Well, we just stopped. Literally. We all just stopped and stood there. We didn't TELL Jman what to do, or how to behave, or what he was doing wrong. We just stopped, and waited. We didn't wait impatiently or with an attitude. We waited respectfully, not condemningly, and not even frustratedly. We just waited. We gave him time and space. Time to think, room to breathe. Clearly he was HAVING a problem, not BEING a problem. And so we waited, available to help if he asked, but not pushing him.

So there we are, on the sidewalk, with a flipping out Jman. Waiting, watching, not pushing him. He slowly started to settle down a LITTLE, though you could still see in his eyes that he was VERY stressed. We waited a little longer, again, not pushing him to hurry to to behave. Not sending a barage of questions or advice his way. Just waiting and being patient and available. And he gradually calmed down. He wasn't over it, BUT we had slowed things down enough that he was BEGINNING to feel SAFE again.

I spoke to him kindly and said, "Let's go to the ball game. Come one." And SLOWLY started walking towards the stadium again. Jman began walking with me. Everyone else began walking along too, in a loose and LEISURELY group.

I keep trying to emphasize how SLOWLY we all were taking things. We weren't rushing Jman to get over it. Rushing just would have put MORE stress on him, and he really didn't need MORE stress right then, he needed LESS. So we slowed down. Never mind that the game had already started. We were late to begin with, so what was another inning missed? No big deal in the overall scheme of things. What was important was for EVERYONE, including Jman, to be able to relax and have a good time together. And the only way to do that was for EVERYONE to simply relax. If we stayed relax, Jman would relax eventually. If we were stressed over his meltdown or being late for the game or whatever, then he would sense that stress and would never be able to relax.

Well, we made it past the scalpers and to the ticket sales, got our seats all togethers, and Jman was still with us, and continuing to improve, little by little. We entered the stadium and started for our seats, and Jman continued to stay with us in the crowds and not be flipping out, though he was still stressing. Like I said, you could see it in his eyes and his body. The others were ahead of us a little when Jman saw the bathrooms, and made a bee line for them. We found an empty handicap stall and went in together, and Jman sat, and rested. It really was his "rest room," a safe haven for a while from crowds and car alarms and stadium announcers. It was a sensory deprivation room for a few minutes, exactly what he needed to finish calming all the way down.

After many minutes, with Jman very calm but still rather detached, I finally said, "Come on, Jman. Let's go find our seats." And he was ready. We left the bathroom, found our seats and friends, and sat down to watch the game and eat popcorn and visit with each other.

At the 8th inning, Jman asked to go potty again. We went together, and when he was done he asked very nicely to go home. Then I told him about fireworks after the game and asked if he wanted to stay for the fireworks. He likes fireworks! He said 'yes' and had no trouble with staying for the rest of the game, watching the fireworks, and eventually walking back nicely to the truck, even helping to carry things back.

So instead of missing the game, we all stayed and had a good time together. We could have stressed. We could have pushed Jman even harder in an effort to speed up his recovery. We could have handled things very differently. But we didn't. We all slowed down. We all respected Jman and tried to help HIM instead of worrying so much about US. And the end result was that we ALL benefitted immensely. The game was even sweeter knowing that it almost didn't happen for us.

I share all this to encourage folks when their kids meltdown. I don't always handle things so well, so please don't think I'm being preachy or condemning! But I do know that when we slow down and support rather than push or condemn, it works better for EVERYONE. Of course, if SAFETY is an issue, do what you gotta to be safe! Jman wasn't running out in the street or hitting anyone, he wasn't being a danger or in danger, safety was not an issue.

And here we are, enjoying the game!